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birfday!!!!

yay only 2 days left till im 21!!!!

YAY


then california!!


YAY


im so excited


im so sleepy


g'night

How it plays out

So in 2 weeks it will have been a month since I announced my celibacy and 2 months since I have had sex. And I am losing my fucking mind.

I have become a whiney bitch. I have been craving the strangest things like being held or kissed on the cheek or someone holding my hand.


Perhaps I just need to get laid and get back to normal


or maybe


these are my DT's my withdrawls.

I see that now maybe it wasnt sex that I was addicted to but the little things that go with it

the touch the kiss the little things ya know

I have been craving meaningful sex meaningful love anything that can break through my touch facade and into my soul.

I don't want a relationship I want a muse.

An amusement that I can tire of when I want to and not feel fucked up about it

I want someone to love me so hard that they can't breathe without me near them I want to be someones everything

but I can't have that

because I love the hell out of someone


and he has abandoned me again

we havent really been talking and I miss everything about him

My Latest Decision

I have decided to become a sexually abstinent adult.

this journal from now on I can assure you will be a cluster fuck of sexual tension LOL

I need to do this to regain my pride, my self respect/esteem, and to find a level of enlightenment I have yet to achieve.

I will use this journal as my sexual frustration outlet..



lets jus see how long I can go without sex. I hope its a good long while


sex is such an inspiring thing for me lyrically that I fear my words may suffer. but


perhaps abstinence will make them mean more


HAHAHAHA


gods help me
I am a sex addict cutting it cold turkey
I cry alone
No one hears me
No one sees it
Like a myth like a fairy tale
I cry alone when you are gone
When they all leave me here to think
I cry alone
and I cry oceans
For every weak moment
For the person I have become.

Walk on me because I can't stand to be who I was before
Tread on me because I just can't justify being that girl

Well I can't find myself amidst the stress and vomit
I cannot locate a shred of who I was
I need to be the person that never cared for anybody
I need to fall in love with who I was

I am going back to who I was


Time to be that girl again
Reckless find my end again
Rock bottom drowning in my death

What do you think about her
Cold like you wish you could
Pain that you never see
Cruel provoking suicide
It's all coming back to me

A twitch and I have tunnel vision
give myself to all of them
Let them pick which one is me tonight
I am relinquishing control
Back into their hands

You got me through before and you can get me there again

Strength is so objective
And i find strength in numbers
The more of me the less of she
The better off the 4 will be
Control is so objective
Life is not so clear

In murky waters my reflection looks like someone else
And i may look tomorrow and see a different face again
I can only hope for you what you have given me

Walking in reverse
Say hello to she
She is NOT me
But she will be

Writer's Block: Warning:

If you came with a warning label, what would it say?


"WARNING"

THIS BITCH BE CRAZY

All Twisted

he said IT

yep


morenito said IT


te quiero

Tags:

No One.....

I just want you close
Where you can stay forever
You can be sure
That it will only get better

You and me together
Through the days and nights
I don't worry 'cuz
Everything's going to be alright
People keep talking they can say what they like
But all i know is everything's going to be alright

No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you, you, you
Can get in the way of what I feel for you

When the rain is pouring down
And my heart is hurting
You will always be around
This I know for certain

You and me together

Through the days and nights
[No One lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

I don't worry 'cuz
Everything's going to be alright
People keep talking they can say what they like
But all i know is everything's going to be alright

No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you, you, you
Can get in the way of what I feel

I know some people search the world
To find something like what we have
I know people will try try to divide something so real
So til the end of time I'm telling you there is no one

No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you, you, you






this song makes me want you here.......

so i could

For The Sky That Cradles My Moon

stars show fates design in time
and here they are soul to soul
creatures made for the others existence
precious minutes passing like aeons in eyes that sparkle for the fire that burns in scarred hearts
she will take the hand and he will lead her through
like lovers do
like angels do

kissed by her light
his darkness can flourish
for she is the lock and he bears the key
for she is the moon glowing and fair
and he is the sky that cradles her there
and all can see with envious eyes what truth and beauty must surely look like
and all can see with envious smiles what heart to heart must truly feel like

he lies solely still for her to lay her self upon
and she could never be the creature that she is
for he is her keeper
she is his muse
like lovers do
like angels do


kept by his darkness
only then can shine like she must
for he is the key that opens the door
for he is the sky
and she is his bride
and all can see with envious eyes what truth and beauty must surely look like
and all can sense with envious smiles what fate must truly look like

heaven is the breath of all comfort
born through blessed tragedy
light concieved of dark and of dark the same
like children of stars destined for the beating of the others heart

they touch
they move
through oceans of paradise
space merely the medium of distant affairs
a kiss on the heart
they caress
they ascend
like lovers do
like angels do

stars show fates design in time
magnetized polarity
words serve as soft kisses through the maddening distance
for all to hear with envious ears what heaven must truly sound like
for all to beg with addicted lips what heaven must surely taste like

:(

i miss you terribly darling. you seem to be so fucking far away right now. i just want to see you right now but... :( your so far away

Pro-Ana

I have spent the enitre day looking at pro ana websites...

tell me why what they are doing makes sense to me?

i feel like perhaps i am slipping back into the obsession with being smaller. It makes me feel like a fraud. I am running around telling all these girls to love themselves and the skin they are in nbothing is wrong with being a big girl....

and then I am sitting at home some closet pro ana freak reading and agreeing with what these girls have to say.

I am struggling.

I have noticed that I have lost a bit of weight. I am fitting back into some of my older clothing. I refuse to weight myself cause thats when things get out of control.

I cant believe this. I actually almost registered on one of the message boards.


well I now know I have to watch myself and make sure I dont slip back into that.


I know brandon isnt a fan of thin girls.... but i am not trying to be thin I just want to lose some weight and quickly it always seems to take forever.

GAH

and I was supposed to hang out with my friend jennifer today


im bored and i am looking at pro ana shit

I need to get out of the house

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